Exploring gender through OCs
As per usual, probably a messy incoherence of a thought stream; my blog about my own identity touched upon this a bit, but I thought I'd get a little more ... in-depth I guess? I'm always a little nervous talking about it because I ID as cis (minor aside for cassgender / cassgirl, and maybe aligning to some degree to demigirl if you use the 'barest association with being a girl' description which would be funny cause then 2014 me was right to identify with the concept) and some part of me always worries if I'm overstepping on toes in discussing gender, or how I discuss it, or exploring it.
Hideki was my first exploration into him being less conforming to his gender; he's a cis guy through and through, but has always loved feminine fashion, makeup, looking cute, but has always felt a strong divide with that because of his history (a mother who's always wanted a daughter and has basically berated him and put him down, and the daughter she did have after him died in an accident).
Is it because he wants it? Or is it because of what his mother has wanted to push upon him? Is it weird to want to do that? Him living in Japan + having a same-sex relationship has always brought up conflict and shame in how he wants to be himself, and usually always kept it buried, or locked in the not-so-metaphorical closet. By the end he's embraced it, although he still dresses more for comfort and hiding old scars, pinks and whites bleed into his outfits, and as a streamer he openly embraces more of that part and allows it to be more public online (vs in person).
Through Hideki I've learned to embrace what you like, and to be a little gentler to yourself. Hideki was also my first foray into deep research into BPD, since he ended up exhibiting personality signs of it. Talking to people who have it and were open to offering their experiences, researching blogs that posted about their experiences, videos, articles on therapy and the steps of therapy for it, medicines and what could help.
It's always a little scary to depict something that isn't you, and it's why I sometimes have anxiety talking about even exploring gender through my OCs, because its personal to who a person is.
It's so odd that with sexuality/romance I feel more comfortable exploring, but perhaps it's because I've been dabbling in it longer, with my first real prominent OC I made when I was like ... 14 being bi, and being exposed to the concept of different sexualities early on.
Characters that explored gender I didn't encounter until much later while in the roleplaying scene, and even to this day many characters I encountered tend to only err on the nonbinary spectrum, with very few being trans, or fluid (and just as few who fall on any aro and/or ace spectrum). Many people didn't talk about their personal experiences on their roleplay blogs, so I got a lot less exposure to it until I really decided to make Sylvie and returned to being more social on my personal/art socmeds.
Sylvie is my first real dive into exploring it more in-depth, in having a character that's changed their ... not entirely their whole identity over the time ... but most of my OCs up until that point haven't changed much in how they felt about their gender or how they identified (not counting Cotton who I changed semi-recently from he/him to they/them to it/they).
One of my close friends I met through RPing is NB themselves (and since then I've been exposed to a lot more friends and mutuals who are NB/fluid/etc), and their OC (who Hideki basically thinks of as a sibling/family) is agender. And because of knowing them, and knowing this OC for years, I felt comfortable enough feeling out agender for Sylvie when I made them. Sadly because it's 4 years ago, I can't say I remember my exact train of thought outside of 'I don't think they'd really care about gender, they see themselves as just Sylvie'.
(And that's bled to a chunk of my other OCs who are now also tagged with the agender beam.)
I know we've also talked that agender and aro/ace characters tend to be misgendered and have people try to push ships/sexual relations on them (I've seen it with Sylvie, people have used he/him for them despite it being in my bio that it isn't, and my friend's OC who's she/her but agender keeps getting fem terms used which they've stated isn't accurate for her), which I guess was also another fuel for me to continue exploring it.
It's almost funny how fast I dropped he/him for Sylvie when it felt gross to see it used for them. Felt wrong. And they/them is what they remained. From Hideki's love of dressing up in dresses and make-up, it bled to Sylvie as well. They like it because it just feels nice, it makes them feel pretty to be in a short-cut cute dress, just as much as a sexy suit combo.
And it's only in the last year I've really ... like stupid giggly found out I really like she/her for Sylvie too. Like a puzzle piece that fits perfectly that has me kicking my feet and blushing whenever it's used for them.
I still tend to use just they/them in writing because it's been 4 years of doing that, but know they are the most girl-thing they/she to me who could crush me and I'd thank them. It also introduced me to librafeminine as a gender (though sometimes they even feel closer to demigirl to me, but truthfully both work in their own ways; librafeminine just fits them a little more because of being agender primarily).
Their own confidence in their appearance and self, and embracing their own femineity has helped me be a little more connected to my own, even if I don't necessarily ... err, feel connected to it. Contradictory, but I dunno if it makes sense. On top of being a little more comfortable with body hair (giving them a bush for my own coping, but it's also because I'm tired of baby smooth everything down there).
I wish I could put the exact words into it but it just puts me through some stupidly giggly euphoria looking at them looking as they are, but comfortably preferring to be called a gorgeous lady because it's just so them.
I would love to in the future explore more fluid characters, or trans characters ... I cook OCs immensely slowly though, and especially with how personal some stories can be and how they can reflect the experiences of real people, I'd want to do it justice and not just have it be an OC that becomes sidelined because my fixation is elsewhere (considering it took 7-8 years for Hideki to wind down as my comfort/fixation OC, and Sylvie's been going as that for 4 years now).
But until then, I do lovingly admire all the OCs people make, and the experiences people have, because it lights up my world a little more with the colours of others.