My Own Feelings on My Identity
I dunno why it spooks me to write about it, I guess because there's some part of me that still feels like I'm a black sheep, because I only have being ace to my name, and some part of me worries about being seen as 'invading' due to still IDing as cis, and heteroromantic, or that my aceness isn't valid because of it (and god knows I've also seen my share of aphobia, not towards myself but in general from even within LGBTQ+ communities).
It's not that I haven't questioned how I personally feel about my own gender, cause unironically I've found a Tumblr post from way back in 2014 when I was ~16 years old talking about it.
i sometimes– idk what gender i am? like idk how to classify myself
i know im a girl and i feel like a girl but… i dont too?
like i dont care that im a girl
i accept it but just… shrugs towards the gender????
maybe demigirl?????
I've sat and thought about it and ruminated and revisited it over the years, and still circle back that I'm ok with just IDing as a girl, even if in concept it's not really integral to me/not something I'm deeply connected to; it's like a container full of one type of goop (feminine) but it's an immensely muted colour.
Funnily enough, I lived more gender euphoria through exploring Sylvie's gender identity (considering in the years I've had them it's shifted from masc he/they, to fully agender they/them—since he/him for them made me feel uncomfortable—to finding a wild joy in they/she and how much I feel that it fits them perfectly), Hideki's exploration of presenting himself as more fem and that it makes him happy, and finding cassgender cause it hit the nail on the head how I feel about myself; although I am comfortable IDing as a girl, and it is my identity I am also comfy with, I feel disconnected to being it/it's not a huge part of how I see myself.
(Might also kinda speak to why a lot of my OCs are agender, or don't see it as important to their own identities.)
As for romantic interest ... I think I like guys by the process of elimination more than anything (no attraction to girls, single IRL crush was a guy, I like fictional men—though I do have some fictional women I like, ex. Acheron who I like more in awe of cause I love her as a character). Truthfully I also have very little interest in the concept of dating, though I think the concept of more romantic interactions is cute (albeit I think romance, if pursued, needs a basis of friendship and someone you'd trust to talk about with stuff like you would with friends ... I don't see much of a difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship, minus some additional aspects ... and I mean this in the sense for myself, everyone views the two in their own personal ways).
Although I feel muddied and bland with my own self, I love seeing other people, and the characters people make, and what they are and what is comfortable to them. I love learning about different identities and how one expresses themselves and how they best feel comfortable in whom (or what) they are, I love seeing people's posts about their progress, transitions, their thoughts and ideas and posts talking about themselves, of stories from people who are in their old ages who have found new pieces of themselves or the openness to be themselves after so long. And I hope everyone finds somewhere safe they can exist, considering the state of the world today (and even before today too).
Not really a coherent blog post, it's more akin to a verbal and personal diary dump in trying to sort out my thoughts (maybe I need to rename this section to blog/diary) ... and who knows, maybe like that Tumblr post from earlier, I'll revisit this later down in my life and see how I feel. Something in my chest feels a little lighter talking about it, putting it into words that I know won't quite as easily disappear under the copious amounts of posts on my own blog.
If you got to the end, thank you. 🖤🩶🤍💜